A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
