I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
