so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
