If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
