not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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