my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
