he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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