i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Randomize
