My liver just broke up with me...
from now on my penis is your penis
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
