im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
