I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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