He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
