His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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