Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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