That's when you crack a 10am beer
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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