Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
