Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
