I feel like abortions should bother me more
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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