They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
