Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
