Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
