What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
