i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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