we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
