i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
