I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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