I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
