I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just pee around me
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
