You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Houston, we have a squirter
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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