There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
