i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
