In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
