But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
