my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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