what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
