If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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