i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
