I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
