mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
