please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
