you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Alive.
So much puke
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
