is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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