your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
