tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
