i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
