i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
