just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
