Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
