i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
