I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
